


Cracked Mask

by D_Human23



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Sweater Weather - Fandom
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, F slur, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Leo's headspace, M/M, Masking Emotions, Masks, Mostly not my characters, My HCs for Leo, Personal Growth, Post Sirius and Remus Outting, Snippets of Leo Growing Up, Waiting for that text, alcoholic parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25631665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_Human23/pseuds/D_Human23
Summary: So this is my take on Leo's perspective during Chapter 5 of Coast to Coast while Finn and Logan are having the talk. The ride home and waiting for them at the apartment. It includes flashbacks that relate to the internal conflict going on in Leo which include a lot of my HCs on Leo growing up/his family.
Relationships: Finn O'Hara/Logan Tremblay/Leo Knut
Comments: 14
Kudos: 91





	Cracked Mask

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Coast To Coast](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150220) by [lumosinlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumosinlove/pseuds/lumosinlove). 



> CW: Angst, Just a lot of feelings, ANXIETY, Masking emotions/pain, Alcoholic parent, F slur, Homophobia
> 
> So I have a ton of HCs for Leo that I want to explore, this is a small taste of stuff I may write about more in the future along with perspective I just really wanted to see during that 5th Chapter of Coast to Coast. Go give lumosinlove some love.
> 
> Also this is my first fic I've ever posted so please give me all of the feedback, it is very much appreciated.

When Leo was a kid he used to love the Venetian masks people would wear during different holidays in New Orleans. All of the colors and intricate designs. Cheaper ones sparkling with glitter and sequins. But as he got older it just reminded him of the mask he donned. The one to convince others he was like them, to comfort those close to him even when things were terrible, and to protect himself from the pain that threatened to get in through any sort of crack. It was necessary to hold himself and the world around him together. 

|----|

A 15 year old Leo looks out at the fireflies for a moment as he inhales a deep breath.The night is beautiful with the full moon illuminating the yard where all of the little, yellow lights sparkle. Once he exhales he turns from the dreamy outside back to the beautiful disaster on the old porch floor in front of him. His mother is one of the biggest influences in his life. She is beyond strong despite all of the medical and circumstantial obstacles put in her way, but that strength seems to come at a cost. For a long time his mother has spent more than a few nights drinking what seems to be an unreasonable amount; when his father is home he takes care of her but when he’s not it’s up to Leo. Not that anyone deemed it up to him; he put that mask on all by himself.

Tonight is one of those nights. The two had been dancing because Leo’s mother loves dancing, especially when she drinks. Everything had been fine before she stumbled out of his arms to the floor. He immediately tried to help her, but she pushed him away and told him to leave her. It nearly broke him, but instead he did what he always does and with his face trained in that stony mask he goes to help her up again. She flails her arms nearly smacking him in the face by accident while shouting an angry “No.” 

Leo stands there for a moment looking at her, trying to figure out what to do to get her to cooperate. “S'il te plaît maman, ça va. Laisse-moi t'aider. Il est tard.”

“Stop acting like this is okay Leo.” There’s a break in her voice and Leo has to do everything in his willpower to stop the sharp inhale his mouth goes to take. “Bon sang! I’m a fucking mess. I know I am. But what I hate most of all is how you act like everything is fine. C'est exaspérant.” During a long pause he lets out the breath he’d been holding and puts his focus back on the fireflies outside of their screened-in porch again. “You wear that mask Leo and you think I don’t see it, but of course I do.”

As her breathing goes from slightly ragged to shaky calm he takes another breath of his own and turns his focus back on her. “Let’s go to bed mama, it’s late. S'il te plaît.” She doesn’t answer, but she also doesn’t fight him as he helps her up off of the floor. It’s deathly quiet as he leads her to her bedroom. It claws at his chest painfully, but he keeps that away from his expression just like he always does.

|----|

Leo is alone in the car that is usually occupied with the ever chattering Finn and even putting the radio on full blast isn’t enough to fill the empty seat besides him. As he drives he grips the steering wheel with a white-knuckled hold, as if it’s the only anchor keeping him from floating out of the driver’s seat. 

All the little lights flashing by from cars and buildings remind him of fireflies or stars which fills him with wishes of a hand to hold or a familiar voice to fill his ears, but it has to be this way. Logan needs Finn. Finn needs Leo to be strong without him.

Which means he needs to get home in one piece. He has to focus on driving and not about what may wait for him later. Not the possible heartbreaks. Finn may decide that none of this is worth it in light of what happened with Sirius or that he’d prefer to be with Logan exclusively after their conversation. 

No matter what he has to get home in one piece to be there for them. Even if they end up not needing him in the end.

|----|

“Fucking faggot.” The words are flung along with a spray of ice in his face as one of his teammates passes by after Leo has blocked yet another puck. He is 17 and he’s gotten used to hiding behind that famous goalie expression he’s built with precision. His mask on the ice is both the plastic and metal cage he physically dons and the expression that reads as nothing more than pure concentration. It never betrays the pain or anger he feels when the other boys throw whatever disgusting chirp they can think of at him, especially when they hit closer to home than any of them realize. 

Once practice is over, he drags himself to the locker room exhausted from more than just the long period of practice. He begins changing out of his gear, listening involuntarily to the locker room talk he despises, but he has to act at least slightly amused by it all or else face being othered for feeling different. If only they knew. It was another mask he wore well; one that told his teammates they didn’t need to worry about him being soft or a killjoy or the worst thing of all. 

He steels himself with a deep breath as he goes to shower off. After this he could spend some time with André before heading home. That was something he’d begun looking forward to since last year when the two had shared a secret moment during one of the many parties put on by their teammates. They snuck around in private to continue to share intimate moments that probably meant more to Leo than it did for André, but that was okay. As long as he could have those moments with the beautiful boy it would be enough. It had to be. 

On his way out of the school he grabs a silly Valentine’s Day card from a small pile some students are selling to raise funds for one of the many things in their school that needs funding. It is covered in sequins shaped like a heart and says ‘You make my heart shine’ which makes Leo snicker a little. He thinks about the laugh it might cause André, which makes his heart feel like it could shine for a moment. 

The two always meet in the abandoned rec center not too far from the school. It was rarely occupied by anyone else and if others were there, then they could just make the excuse that it was a good smoking spot. Nothing to be suspicious about besides the ‘normal’ teenage hijinks. As soon as he sees André leaning against one of the old, graffiti covered walls his heart does a little jump until he notices his face set into a frown. Something is off, but he keeps his face bright and happy as he walks up to him, presenting the card with a flourish. 

“I know it’s kind of stupid, but I thought it’d make you laugh. Also I didn’t sign it cause, you know. Plus, it’s not like you don’t know who it’s-”

“Leo. Stop.” His voice is hard and it causes Leo to visibly flinch for a split second before settling his face into a neutral expression. He could feel the cracking in his chest, but he just had to keep it inside. “This can’t happen anymore. We’re gonna be graduating in a year, so it would have had to end anyway. I just can’t keep doing this whole sneaking around bullshit. It’s too risky and honestly not worth it. Plus, Angie Lebeau wants to go out with me and I’m saying yes…” 

Leo lets out the breath he was holding while André talked, staring down at the card that now seemed to taunt him. He wants to reach out or beg or do anything to stop one of the few nice things in this small ignorant town from leaving him. It had been so nice to find a boy like him to go to after a day of grinding through all of the hateful bullshit, but now it was slipping through his fingers and as usual there was only one thing he could do.

With a soft smile that probably didn’t reach his eyes, but would be convincing enough for someone like André, he nods. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. I really hope things go well with you and Angie.” He goes to give André a pat on the shoulder but the other boy flinches away from his hand, so he retracts it and nods again. “See you at practice.” 

He turns before he can see André practically sprint away, as if some kind of weight had been lifted from him to let his legs move more freely. Keeping his focus on the path home and the feeling of sequins against his fingers, he walks while memories try to sink into the foreground and weigh him down with the pain of another heartbreak. Leo wants to give into those memories, to wallow in the ache he’s become all too familiar with, but he has to get home to help his mom with dinner. He has to keep moving forward so he can get out of this town some day. 

When he gets in the door his dad calls him into the dining room with the familiar, “Calamar, tu es à la maison?” Ever since his first growth spurt his father rarely called him anything other than the silly nickname. It makes him smile and helps him settle back into the mask he puts on for his parents as he walks into the room to give his dad a small hug and his mother a kiss on the cheek. He takes his place next to her to help out with dinner, their normal routine, as conversation about school and work easily flows. 

Later on, while the three of them eat, his mother and father are going on about what Leo’s future holds with hockey, hopeful and excited. He mostly just listens and watches with a smile, especially when his mother speaks. She’s been sober for eight months and after a rough period of time things couldn’t be better at home. Even if he had to deal with hiding amongst Southern bigots or all of the pressure to conform that came with being a part of hockey, he always cherished this for however long he could have it. Maybe that’s what his life would be. Cherishing the small things he could have as long as he could to get through all of the things he couldn’t have. He could live with that. He had to. 

As he rubs his rainbow bracelet a bit, a small gift from his mom for his birthday, worry clouds over his parents. They know about him, how he feels about other boys and they’ve been nothing but supportive. He knows their concerns about whether he can pursue hockey and still live a happy life. Concerns for his safety. Concerns for his heart. His dad even asks, “Are you sure you want to keep hiding?” 

Leo looks down at his knee. A piece of sequin clings to the fabric that he quickly brushes off before bringing his face back up. “Hopefully someday I won’t have to, but for now, it’s for the best. I have to.” His father seems unconvinced, but he gives a simple nod. They both know there’s no talking Leo out of what he feels he has to do.

|----|

His bag drops with a thud on the bedroom floor as he pulls out his phone to see if there’s any word from Finn yet. A ton of notifications are lined up, but none are the one he’s waiting for. He takes a deep breath and nods before tucking his phone back into his pocket. Unpacking. That’s what he could do. Something to keep his hands busy so he doesn’t stare at his phone for who knows how long. There’s a chance he may not even hear from either of the guys tonight, but that’s fine. 

As he pulls the bag back up and places it on the bed he keeps his mind focused on the task at hand. Dirty clothes need to go into the hamper, travel toiletries need to go back onto their shelf in the bathroom, and the few other miscellaneous items all have their own individual spots. He tries to drag it all out but it’s too easy to take very long. With a sigh he checks his phone again. Still nothing. 

Leo looks around the living room; it’s not extremely untidy, but he could be taken care of a few things here and there.. That’s what he could deal with next. Use all of this nervous energy threatening to bubble over and just clean. Keep his hands away from his phone and his mind off of his teammates. If he couldn’t actively help anyone right now, then he’d make it so they could at least come home to a clean space. They. Logan doesn’t live here and there’s no saying he wants this to be home, but that doesn’t matter. 

He grabs a few empty mugs from the coffee table and takes them over to the kitchen to begin washing. After setting up the sink to wash the few dishes they left, he just stares at the mug currently in his hand for a moment. It’s covered in bright rainbow horizontal stripes and is technically Leo’s, but Finn steals it all the time. The bright colors start to bring forward the memories he’s trying not to recall, so he quickly dunks it in the soapy water. All he needs to do is focus on easy things like cleaning so he can be okay. He has to be okay for Finn and Logan if they come over. 

|----|

It’s so late and Leo just wants to go to bed, but after an exciting victory a small group from the team decided to get absolutely wasted at the hotel bar. So Leo, being Leo, tags along even though he’s not going to drink much and does his best to take care of the members who need him the most. What can he say, old habits die hard. 

Finn was taken back upstairs by Kasey a while ago after getting fairly mopey about his lack of play time among many other small things. Honestly, it was adorable but he could only keep that traitorous thought in his head. Not too long after that, Talker declared he had to go get his beauty rest with a smile and a wink. Timmy and Olli were next; Olli hanging all over Timmy while he rambled away in Finnish about who knows what. Lastly Nado ended up meeting a lovely girl who had been abandoned by her friends and was looking for a better way to spend the night.

So now it was just him and Logan sitting at the bar while he went on about the latest shenanigans back at Chez Dumais. Once he’s done with this story, Leo puts a hand on his shoulder and looks him in the eye. “As much as I love to hear about Marc’s adventures with the stair banister and Crisco, I’m exhausted. Let’s go to bed.”

Logan groans a bit. “But Peanut, you’ve barely had anything to drink. Come on. Tu ne veux pas t'amuser avec moi?” 

Leo rolls his eyes with a big chest-raising sigh as he tries to cover up the fact that Logan asking him that sends a small thrill through him. “I’ve been having fun with you, I don’t need to get hammered to do that.” He pauses for a second because of the phrasing before moving on in a hurry. “Like I said, I’m really tired and we have a flight in the morning, so let's go to the room and sleep.” 

The man in front of him puts on a dramatic pout and then to Leo’s surprise leans forwards so he can bring his hand up to caress Leo’s face. It catches him off guard, but he does his best to not show it even though he’s sure his face is beginning to flush. “You gotta take that mask off at some point, Cacahuète.” 

Those words hit him like a puck to the chest and for a moment the mask slips. He has to look away from Logan’s face and focus on the shirt he’s wearing. It’s a dark green dress shirt with an intricate black design that reminds him of tangled up vines. What a tangled mess we’ve weaved? An image of his mother on the floor comes to mind, her anger about Leo’s mask. Then the boy who decided Leo wasn’t worth getting any more tangled up in. All the other teammates and people surrounding him and who might not react well if they find out he’s different. 

Leo wants to let the mask fall, especially for his boys, but he can’t. He can’t let himself be vulnerable. It could ruin his relationship with his team or his career or even just end up with him being hurt. Since the beginning he said he wasn’t going to fall for his teammates and even if he couldn’t exactly keep that promise he’d at least be strong enough to not go through with anything that could wreck the friendships he’s built. 

“Leo?” The voice full of worry snaps him out of his train of thought as he takes a breath and looks back up at Logan with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It’s not enough to convince this boy, but that’s okay. It has to be. 

“Sorry, I’m just really tired.” Logan’s brows are knitted together, he definitely isn’t buying it, but after a moment he sighs and nods before hopping off his stool. 

“Okay Peanut, let’s go to bed.” Leo smiles and does his best to keep his eyes away from Logan as they make their way back to their room. He just had to be okay with it all, for everyone’s sake.

|----|

Leo is in the middle of scrubbing a spot on the counter that just won’t come out when he decides he needs to take a break from the constant elbow grease for a moment. He puts down the rag and wipes his hands on his pants before simultaneously pulling his phone out of his pocket and picking up his mug full of water on the counter behind him. As he’s about to unlock his phone it buzzes startling him enough to make him lose his grip on the mug in hand and sending it shattering onto the floor. For a moment he stares at the piece of rainbow ceramic, feeling something well up in his chest that he pushes down with a few deep breaths. With a soft ‘merde’ he unlocks his phone to check his texts and nearly drops it as well when he sees the newest notification. 

Everything felt slow as he opened the text, his breath starting to come in a little more ragged and the feeling of his heart in his fucking throat becoming unbearable. It was simple. “We’re on our way.” The words were followed by a bunch of heart emojis that taunted him with hope. 

Could it be happening? Could they all be happy together?

He looks down at the broken mug for a moment and then goes into autopilot in order to get it cleaned up. As he picks up the pieces and throws them into the trash he can’t stop himself from thinking about the last time Finn drank out of it while curled up on the couch engrossed in something on Netflix. Could he have that forever? The last piece is in the trash and he shakes his head as he reaches for a dry hand towel to sop up the water on the floor. He sent hearts; it could only mean good news right? Maybe for once there’s room for hope.

Once he’s done with the mess he turns back to his phone. The silent notifications from social media are still popping up at a speed that makes Leo want to be sick. He doesn’t need to look at them to know what they say; the words are ingrained in his mind from that moment in the airport. The moment Sirius went from joy to a solid wall of terror. The moment Remus became so lost in it all, he didn’t know what to do. They had hope. 

Leo’s eyes begin to sting as tears threaten to form in them, he looks away from the phone and keeps his gaze focused on one of the walls of the kitchen. He wants to shove it all back down, put on a mask for the two people on their way, and be what they need whether they decide they need him or not. 

But he can’t. 

It’s all cracking apart as the tears finally spill from his eyes and he can’t stop it anymore. These are his worst nightmares and they’ve come to life for people he cares about. There’s all the possibility they could come true for him or the men he wants to be with so badly. They may decide he’s not worth the risk at any moment or even that they'd rather be without him in the first place. There’s so many awful possibilities. It’s all too much and he’s too scared to hold it all in anymore. 

He slides down to the floor with his back against the counter as loud sobs rip through him. Even though he told Finn to go and he knows it was the right thing to do, he just wants him here now. Both him and Logan if he’s honest with himself. To hold him and comfort him while he cries like the fucking baby he is. He hates himself for all of these feelings he can’t control and all the desires he lets bubble up even though he wants them to be pushed down for good. 

It’s all cracking and no one is here to wear a mask for him like he always does for others. It’s just him and it’s all too much. There’s no stopping it at this point so he just lets go and continues to sob while sitting on the floor. It has been a long time since he’s really cried like this; he’s cried a few tears here and there from homesickness, but nothing like this. All raw and discombobulating. He isn’t sure what to do, so he thinks about the boys on their way and does his best to keep that at the front of his mind. Soon. It won’t just be him in a little while. He won’t have to do this alone.

The overwhelming feeling starts to fade as he allows the relief of their soon-to-be presence to wash over him. If this happens and if this is going to work, Leo has to trust them to be there even if things get rough. He can’t expect them to tuck tail and leave. It’s not fair to Finn,Logan, or even himself. The last thought strikes him fairly hard and almost causes another rush of tears to take over, but he takes a breath. 

Maybe he couldn’t completely get rid of the mask, but he could at least try to leave it outside of their home. 

As he gets up from the floor and does his best to clean himself up, he hears the front door start to unlock. It sends a jolt of panic through him for a second before he takes a breath. Part of his brain is screaming to pick the pieces up and keep it all hidden from the two about to enter, but instead he allows himself to feel the weariness from all the nerves jumbled up inside of him. Tonight the mask has cracked and maybe that’s okay. 

|----|

Leo is eight years old and his dad finally talked his mom into letting him take him to the Mardi Gras parade. He’s always wanted to go and be a part of the sea of masks with his very own to wear. He’s wanted to be one of them. His dad even got him a beautiful mask that resembles a lion like his favorite hockey team with golden glitter and orange feathers going in all directions like a mane. Everything had been so wonderfully loud and bright.

But now Leo is lost. Currently, he’s standing on the sidewalk to the side of the crowd trying to inch as far away from people as possible. He’s got his mask in hand as he stares down where it’s cracked nearly in half down the middle after getting stepped on. There are tears in his eyes; he’s tired and all he wants to do is find his dad so they can go home. Everything is so overwhelming. 

As he wonders how he’ll ever find his father, he breaks out into big, heaving sobs that wrack his small frame. He hates crying, it makes everyone involved feel bad and makes him look like a weak, little baby. At this moment he can’t bring himself to care enough to force himself to stop. So for the time being he just stands there and cries, letting the tears fall on the broken mask. 

Then there are hands on his shoulders causing him to start in surprise. Above him is the smiling face of his father who is saying something but he’s not processing it. He just knows his dad is finally here which causes him to start crying again as he wraps his arms around him tightly, afraid he might let him slip away again. Leo’s father picks him up and holds him close to his chest as he makes his way away from the large crowd of people. 

Once they've been out of the noise for a few moments Leo starts to feel himself calm down and his breathing goes from the frantic panic to deep tired breaths. He looks down at the mask in his hand and tears up a little as he raises it to his dad’s face so he can see. 

“I’m sorry. I let it get broken.” His dad smiles and nuzzles his nose in Leo’s wavy hair causing a small smile to start on his face as well. 

“It’s okay, mon fils. We can always do our best to fix it at home. Besides you’re so much more handsome without it,” Leo’s smile widens with a chuckle as he rests his head on his dad’s shoulder while watching the world past them with each step. For now he wouldn’t worry about the mask, just focus on the calming night air on his skin and the fireflies floating around them.

**Author's Note:**

> French Bits  
> S'il te plaît maman, ça va. Laisse-moi t'aider. Il est tard.-Please mom, it's okay. Let me help you. It's late.   
> Bon sang!-Damn it!  
> C'est exaspérant.-It's infuriating.  
> S'il te plaît.-Please.  
> Calamar, tu es à la maison?-Squid, are you home?  
> Tu ne veux pas t'amuser avec moi?-Don't you wanna have fun with me?  
> Arachide-Peanut  
> merde-shit  
> mon fils-my son
> 
> Thank you to the lovely folk who made sure this wasn't a complete grammatical mess and gave me so much lovely feedback.  
> @opaleyedragon on tumblr and bblgumbby on AO3 (Noticed the small things that could and do work better)  
> @bkfstclubmember on both tumblr and AO3 (I have no understanding of punctuation and thank the gods that you do)  
> Werewolves_are_friends_not_fiends on AO3 (Sometimes I don't know how to phrase things, but you do so yaaay)  
> @remus-lupin-black on tumblr and Tygerlily on AO3 (big help with French since I have 0 working knowledge of the language)
> 
> Thank you to the Sweater Weather discord for being super encouraging of my ideas.
> 
> Thank you to our Captain Hannah for both making said discord server and also for being you.
> 
> Of course thank you lumosinlove for making this little universe many of us enjoy exploring so much.
> 
> And last but not least, thank *you* for reading this. Hopefully there will be more to come soon.


End file.
